A park in the walk.

Seth & I

Today I witnessed the sunset falling hard, in a beautiful and incandescent explosion of radiant warm colors, melting, and blending with the multiple shades of blue of the sky and the luminous tints of the deep blue on the corresponding sea. 

Today we left this world on a quest for a fantasy to the eucalyptus forest after lecture. Below the low sun bathing the leafless tree tops we walked in a zig-zag motion. We wrote "practice: peace and love" on the ground below our feet. I did my freedom dance to illustrate a point about the single way of life. Pete (whose real name is Steven but I like calling him Pete because of that show "Pete and Pete") with his fiery hair and freckles on the face lost the game of "who can scream the loudest on the cliff" (Seth won of course, I am just a good protorype for a horror movie). 

I asked my friend Seth to depict this day. The following lines are what he squeezed out of his juicy mind of intrincate morphemes in language and rhythmic ideas: 

grains of Light

By Seth King

Storepiles of leaves-

We help to return them from where they came,

By throwing ourselves onto them

Their husks crackling

Admitting their loss of form.

Concrete human trails carve the hill,

Eclosing a galaxy of mounds and shrubs,

Drawing the line in the sand between manhills

And anthills.

The sun multiplies

I find it behind this tree

Behind that leaf

Peeking around a worn sign

I feel it on all sides the moment I turn my back.

The bare winter trees stand tall and proud

The grass prefers basking down below-

"Lizards make better company than birds."

The city, our house for wayward humans,

Lost on their way to the forest.

 After a long talk about relationships Seth and I made a promise, a compromise, a new year's resolution if you will... and that is "not to commit to anyone who we don't respect intellectually".

Oh my oh my, if only I could be a panda without a backpack.

My feet have been moving all day long, from class to class, from stranger to stranger. My language has changed, I speak in English now, my tongue likes it somehow and it's happy, just like when I taste an exotic dish. My shadow is different too, it has a hump in its back due to the obscene and excessive amount of books that I have to carry around. I'm beginning to wonder if my brain is gonna get heavier when all that information is inside my head.

I like my Asian Art teacher, you can hardly understand his English and he smiles a lot, he reminds me of that blue Furby of mine that used to make funny noises sitting next to all of the other useless crap  I tend to accumulate over time. I am really bad saying goodbye, even when it comes to inanimate objects. I like/dislike that literature teacher that I have this quarter and that I also had last quarter, all lecture long he was looking at me reluctantly, with that I hate/love you stare. I acknowledge that I am just a kid playing grown up. I was just pretending to read while I was singing happy birthday to my ex boyfriend on the phone, I only got muffins, sodas, and junk food from Ralphs, and my organized closet is probably gonna last a day or so. I am a mess. A mess with fake dark hair. A mess that has to read Plato, the wisdom of Buddha, the psychology text books, etc... that I still haven´t bought. I am an organized mess when I have time. I am a mess in a hurry when I don't have time. I am a fat mess when I am depressed, eat ice cream, and watch chick flicks. I am a missing mess when there´s no one looking. I must be a mess with a bad karma because I have a roommate with a little bit of an obsesive compulsive disorder. I am that mess sitting on the grass, smiling to the sun, all tangled up with the string of life and confused between the battle inside my head of what I am vs. what I want to become. What I really want to be is a panda, but people have told me that it is impossible for a mess to become a panda. My second option is to be a cascade of knowledge. I love that word... cascade. Vivian likes the word efervescent, she told me a while ago while Krista was saying that she would like to be able to know her past lives, like Phoebe in Friends. Vivian wants to put a yellow rose representing ever lasting love in the poster I proposed to do to visualize everything we want from life. It will be interesting to explain to people that these are our desires in life when they see a poster with a panda, a yellow rose, a cascade, and a random guy. That conversation ended at 12:30 and I went to my room, where I found my roommate pretending to read (aka. stalking people in myspace) with rollers in her hair. 

 Okay, I´m off to bed, to dream with my life as a panda, a fat dichromatic panda that eats green food (maybe monochromatic, since black is not considered a color, but the absence of color, which makes me think... if black isn't a color, why are black people called "colored"), rolls on the grass, and doesn't have to read Plato.

Adiós México

¿Y como es que se le dice adiós a un sentimiento, a todas esas personas que ya no son una ancestral propuesta de amistad, mas bien a todas esas ideas que se han encarnado en lo que hoy conozco como mi familia?

 Me hicieron llorar en mi despedida sin siquiera tener la mas mínima intención. Me hicieron despertar una nostalgia de mujer confundida a rímel corrido y lágrima fluyendo rapaz por un rumbo desconocido. Emiliano me abrazó el llanto y me hizo piojito hasta quedarme dormida sobre sus piernas. Evidencias de una muy buena persona... chicas tomen nota. Sé que regresaré. Se que podría regresar desmembrada, con un brazo en el olvido, una pierna en el recorrido, y la mente en lo desconocido, pero en el momento en el que llegara y me miraran con esa ojos de aceptación me sentiría completa, porque el corazón les reconoce latentes en todo lo que me constituye, porque nunca me juzgan. Se mantienen escritos con una tinta indeleble en mi ser porque encontré el sentido del amor antes de aprender a escribir o leer sus nombres. Una amistad que ya data de donde se fragua la memoria. Algunos desde que tenía 3 años, algunos desde los 6, algunos más recientes, pero los que más me importan son los que aún están aquí para mí, sin importar la distancia, sin importarles un comino en dónde termine mi destino. Me gusta, que no importa con que dolor les digo adiós porque  entienden el fervor de cuando les pronuncio un te quiero. 

Hoy volaré sin culpa a otra realidad o a la otra cara de ésta mi vida bifrontista, porque voy con todas las ganas de estudiar, de construirme como aquella mujer escrita eterna sobre las páginas de los libros más renombrados en un futuro imaginado. Hoy volaré siendo parte de ésto y de aquello, probablemente leyendo lo que Alex llama "literatura de aeropuerto", probablemente con la vista baja hacia esta mi madre tierra cuando despegue el avión, pero la mirada alta, volando entre nubes e ideas aladas de ilusión, intentando generar en materia física todas mis espectativas académicas y emocionales. 

Es cierto que duele. Me duele dejar a mi papá, con quien comparto tantos viajes, tantas memorias, tanto amor. Me duele dejar a mi hermana, con quien comparto la sangre, los ojos, las  vivencias y una vida que nos hace decir las mismas cosas al mismo tiempo, aunque las sentimos de formas distintas. Me duele dejar un pedacito de mí aquí en este suelo azteca de folcor y pasión. Pero así, con mi dolor a flor de piel, moridiendome los labios de miedo es que continúo con el paso mas firme que nunca, para hacer que todo valga la pena, para erradicar en  mí la pena que encadena. Solo me queda una palabra más y no diré otra después, por no quitarle importancia... GRACIAS.